back here in nowhere, ct. seems to be worse for the soul than i'd figured. it's not been a week yet and already i'm insane again. the good news is, i might pass astronomy, my history professor raised my grade on my paper, and the nurse practitioner here is very nice. my mono is dwindling but nan told me i'd still have intense sleepiness attacks at random times, which i think happened to me this morning and again around 4. besides that, what else is there to say? right now i'm thinking about how mad i am that kurt vonnegut had to die, and that i can't give everyone the sirens of titan to read and understand, and how just about nobody understands the part in the little prince where he describes the way he feels about his star.
"If someone loves a flower of which just one example exists among all the millions and millions of stars, that's enough to make him happy when he looks at the stars. He tells himself, 'My flower's up there somewhere...' But if the sheep eats the flower, then for him it's as if, suddenly, all the stars went out. And that isn't important?' I didn't know what to say. How clumsy I felt! I didn't know how to reach him, where to find him... It's so mysterious, the land of tears."
see, when the little prince talks about his star, looking at it doesn't just comfort him, it's something much more than that. it's the same type of feeling of looking at a map of, say, alaska. and alaska means nothing to you. but if your best friend moves to alaska, everytime you see it on the map your heart moves in a new way because there's something bound to it that means something to you. the little prince's asteroid is different because it holds something that is fundamental to him; if your friend dies or moves somewhere else, alaska has no meaning to you. just as if the flower is eaten then there is no point in looking at the stars- they would appear to have all gone out. it is the importance of something that makes you nostalgic for a place, and if you lose that importance the longing disappears. such a nostalgia i feel when i think of my friends around the country, in boston and new york and california and texas. if they were to leave those places would be empty. there is something there that i wish more people understood, and it's a feeling i get a lot, especially lately.
additionally, i've just been really mad lately that kurt vonnegut died last year during a time when i truly wish he hadn't. it was a long winter and his death felt very personal and disheartening to me and from time to time i wonder if maybe i'd feel better if i knew he was still out there somewhere. caring about the kindness of people and making lonely people feel less lonely. therein lies the importance of books, my surrogate best friends when i can't be with the real ones.
i started crocheting a scarf today. ashley and i got food and watched tv together all night. it was good to stay in but bad to still be here at school. i'm going to an acappella concert with amanda and colleen tomorrow night; saturday is kat's roommate's birthday party, which i said i'd attend, but i haven't yet decided if i'm going to just up and go home yet. i think i should, or rather, have to. dawn yelled at me today for going against her advice. i think i've gotten enough advice; i think i need something more tangible than a supposition. i need a reassurance. i think i need to sleep next to panda bear again and drink less coffee. but it is late and i'm too tired to think these kinda thoughts anymore.
r
"If someone loves a flower of which just one example exists among all the millions and millions of stars, that's enough to make him happy when he looks at the stars. He tells himself, 'My flower's up there somewhere...' But if the sheep eats the flower, then for him it's as if, suddenly, all the stars went out. And that isn't important?' I didn't know what to say. How clumsy I felt! I didn't know how to reach him, where to find him... It's so mysterious, the land of tears."
see, when the little prince talks about his star, looking at it doesn't just comfort him, it's something much more than that. it's the same type of feeling of looking at a map of, say, alaska. and alaska means nothing to you. but if your best friend moves to alaska, everytime you see it on the map your heart moves in a new way because there's something bound to it that means something to you. the little prince's asteroid is different because it holds something that is fundamental to him; if your friend dies or moves somewhere else, alaska has no meaning to you. just as if the flower is eaten then there is no point in looking at the stars- they would appear to have all gone out. it is the importance of something that makes you nostalgic for a place, and if you lose that importance the longing disappears. such a nostalgia i feel when i think of my friends around the country, in boston and new york and california and texas. if they were to leave those places would be empty. there is something there that i wish more people understood, and it's a feeling i get a lot, especially lately.
additionally, i've just been really mad lately that kurt vonnegut died last year during a time when i truly wish he hadn't. it was a long winter and his death felt very personal and disheartening to me and from time to time i wonder if maybe i'd feel better if i knew he was still out there somewhere. caring about the kindness of people and making lonely people feel less lonely. therein lies the importance of books, my surrogate best friends when i can't be with the real ones.
i started crocheting a scarf today. ashley and i got food and watched tv together all night. it was good to stay in but bad to still be here at school. i'm going to an acappella concert with amanda and colleen tomorrow night; saturday is kat's roommate's birthday party, which i said i'd attend, but i haven't yet decided if i'm going to just up and go home yet. i think i should, or rather, have to. dawn yelled at me today for going against her advice. i think i've gotten enough advice; i think i need something more tangible than a supposition. i need a reassurance. i think i need to sleep next to panda bear again and drink less coffee. but it is late and i'm too tired to think these kinda thoughts anymore.
r
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